March 2015

Hey Shawn, are you there? 

I’m alone and can’t stop thinking of you. I need to talk and share what’s going on in my life with you. 

I just wanted to tell you we are in the middle of making wedding details. Our princess is getting married in a few weeks. You would be so proud. It took my breath away when she walked out of the dressing room in her wedding dress. I just can’t believe our little red-haired daughter will become someone’s wife soon. Where has the time gone? I remember when we went to see the movie Steve Martin starred in called “Father of the Bride” when she was young. I remember you telling me how you aren’t ready for that day to come. Guess what? It did. I wish I could share this time with you. I wish you and I could experience this together as we had always dreamed and talked about. I bought my dress for her wedding, and I feel like a princess in it. I wish I could have the chance to feel your arms around me when we would have danced together on her wedding night.

Our son is turning 23 years old this week. You would be so proud of the man he has become. He moved back home after we lost you. He protects me and watches over me like you used to do. When I am not home, he calls to check on me and asks when I will be home. He is in his last semester of college. I just can’t believe it. He continues to work full-time, too. He has stepped into your role at work. You taught him so well. He learned from you how to take care of his mother. Thank you.

Our baby bird is doing excellent in school. She is a little woman now, too. It just amazes me how fast she grew up. She comes home almost every weekend. I constantly need to remind myself she isn’t a baby anymore. You would be so proud of her, too.

Nothing makes me feel closer to you than when I look into their eyes. I see you. The way they hold their fork. The way they wipe their nose. Their smile and laugh. I never realized their mannerisms were yours until I lost you.

The dogs are spoiled rotten. They follow me around, and the minute I sit down, they are fighting over who will get to sit on my lap. Oh yeah.. they are sleeping in our bed too. I know how much you hated it when they jumped into the bed with us. But oh my…. they each have their own favorite spot in our bed now. Clyde sleeps up against my stomach, and Bonnie sleeps by my feet and puts her head on my calf when she sleeps. They keep me warm.

I just wanted to tell you, I miss you.

I miss talking to you. I still have moments when I forget, and I pick up my phone to call you to tell you about my day. It’s so hard when something exciting or happy happens and I don’t have you to share it with. I miss not being able to celebrate good times with you.

I miss fighting with you. I miss the way we would argue until you finally would come to your senses and give me my way…. I don’t have anyone to yell at, and I don’t have anyone to yell back at me. I miss the brutal honesty you would give me. You had no problem telling me when I was being a b*tch. And I miss how we fiercely made up.

I miss feeling your hand in mine. I loved it when you would grab my hand while you were driving us around town. When you grabbed my hand in the movies, on our sofa, and in church.

I miss feeling safe. Nothing made me feel safer than when I was in your arms. I miss feeling you wrapped around me.

I just wanted to tell you that I know.

I know it was you who helped me get up the other morning to face another day. It was you who whispered in my ear and told me I could do this.

I know it is you whom I feel when something wakes me up at night, because I have no fear, only peace. I can also hear when you sing to me.

I just wanted to tell you I am trying.

I am trying to be a big girl and trying to be brave. I am trying to be the girl you fell in love with. I am trying not to miss you so much. I just wanted to tell you, I love you.

October 2016

Hi Shawn, 

I really cannot believe I am walking into that time of the year, I spend so much time the rest of the year trying to forget.  For most people, the end of the year is usually a fun, joyous time. 

Families are gearing up for their Fall festivities. I can remember doing the same for our family. But now, I am preparing myself to feel whichever emotion decides to show up. 

This is the time of the year when the air begins to change and the leaves begin the fall. We always loved this time, especially when the first cool spell would blow through. I loved when we would open all of our windows to welcome it into our home so we could feel and smell the crisp air. 

Football season is here, too. I remember our football Sundays together. When I hear the opening music on television, which they play right before the game begins, it brings me right back to our living room where you would be sitting on our sofa getting ready to watch the game while keeping a watchful eye on the grill outside under our patio. I really took those days for granted. I miss them.

Your birthday is coming in a few weeks. It will be the 3rd one we haven’t been able to celebrate together. It makes me sad knowing we cannot be together for this one, but I am happy that you will be able to celebrate the first one with your mother since she joined you in Heaven a couple of months ago. 

And then I have another Thanksgiving without you. Another year, you won’t be sitting next to me. It will never feel the same to eat dinner without you sitting next to me. Another holiday, knowing I still have Christmas glaring at me. Another event I have to walk into gatherings alone with a fake smile on my face. 

Shawn, I am tired. I miss you. I miss us. 

December 2016

Dear Shawn,

Lately, I have been thinking about the word acceptance. I’ve decided I hate that word. I think it’s because when I became a widow, I was told about the stages of grief I would experience, and one of the stages would be acceptance. I think this is where I am now, and I do not like it!

 I know you can remember how much I hated being told something I didn’t want to hear or accept. I hate everything about grief, but this acceptance stuff sucks! I am forced to accept what I didn’t ask for or want. 

Just when I think I have this grief process all figured out, I get slapped with another stage of grief. When does it stop? It’s been almost three years of nonstop trying to find my new normal, which I’ve been told to find. I am tired. How the hell does one find a new normal when nothing seems normal to me anymore?

This acceptance stage is forcing me to accept the fact that grief doesn’t go away. It just moves from one stage to the other. This one has been hard. It’s been the scariest and loneliest one yet. 

When I lost you three years ago, I never dreamed I’d still be searching for a new normal while being forced to accept I’d never have you help me get through life.

I miss you. I miss us. Until we meet again. 

November 2023

Hey Shawn,

Today would have been your 58th Birthday if you were still here with us. I went to the cemetery yesterday to visit your resting spot to bring you flowers. It’s been about three years since I last went there. It took me a little while to find your spot because so much has changed since the last time I was there. I remember when I had to choose a resting spot to lay your ashes in. I wanted it to feel peaceful and was lucky enough to be able to find a spot close to a large shady tree. But yesterday, the peaceful tree that once kept your spot shaded was gone. Did it die and they had to remove it? Did it get blown down by a bad storm? Three years ago it was there, beautiful and alive with green leaves that blew with the wind. I had so many questions running through my mind.

I remember how we once celebrated your birthdays together. I wanted you to feel special and tried my best to make them feel that way. I can remember the first one we celebrated together. You turned seventeen that year. We were in high school and were only dating for about a month. I can also remember the last one. You turned 48 and it was about a month before I lost you. Today I can only question how we would have celebrated your day together.

So much has changed since you have been gone. Although I still have more questions than answers about life, I am at peace knowing I may never have all of the answers to my questions. There are some questions that aren’t meant for me to know the answer to and my Faith has taught me to Trust in the LORD with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. And through my Faith, I now understand the answers I do have are the lessons I had to learn. Some lessons were tougher than others, but I got through them and grew closer to God through each trial and tribulation. And just like the many unanswered questions I have, I still have many lessons I must learn. I will walk through each and every one of them with dignity and grace.

Yesterday I questioned what happened to the shady tree. I probably will never know what happened to it. I do know it once was there, alive, rooted in the earth. It once held bird nests for birds to live in. It was beautiful. It helped shade your resting place. It had a past. It served its purpose. And just like you, you once were here. Thriving, living life to the fullest. You had a past. Why did God take you so soon? That is another question I may never know the answer to.

But today, on your Birthday I learned another lesson from you and the tree.

I realized your purpose is to help others who are still here, to see the beauty in life. To live it to the fullest. To keep moving forward and not looking back at the past. To love fiercely with your entire heart. And just like the tree, live for this day because tomorrow may never come.

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Shawn. Until we meet again, I will continue to live out your legacy while seeking what my purpose is while I am still here. I will continue to walk with grace and dignity. I will continue to love with my entire heart just as you taught me to. I will continue to walk by Faith.

May 2015

Hey Shawn,

It’s me. I need to talk to you. Are you here with me? You were always the one who wanted to talk about everything and needed to talk everything out. I was the silent one. I needed to think things out by myself before I spoke. So much has changed, and now I am the one who needs to talk.

I just went through another first without you. Our daughter got married last week. She was so beautiful, it took my breath away. I can’t even begin to put into words the emotions that washed over me. As she walked up the aisle, I had flashbacks of the day she was born, her first breath, that fiery red hair like yours. 

Watching her smile, in her wedding gown, my eyes didn’t know where to look. Her face was glowing with happiness. It was overwhelming, a moment filled with pride, love, and a deep pain that you weren’t there beside me. You weren’t there to walk our beautiful girl to her husband. 

When I didn’t think I could feel any more, there was our son, stepping up once again to fill the space you left behind. With quiet strength and so much love, he walked his sister up the aisle. Then turned to me, wrapped me in a hug, and sat beside me, taking your place without a word. 

And there was our grown-up baby, her sister’s maid of honor. She was so beautiful, too. She stood by her sister’s side with such poise and strength. Not a single tear, just that big smile, the one she was so blessed to inherit from you. 

Our children once again carried themselves with grace beyond their years. You would have been so proud. 

I guess this is just another life event I had to experience without you. I am trying to be that brave and strong girl you loved. But this is so hard. Why? Why did it have to be this way? 

I miss us. Where are you? 

Love, 

Me

October 2014

Hey Shawn,

I guess it’s time for me to put on my big girl panties and pull myself together. Time for me to start moving forward. I guess this is where I have to dig deep and look within myself and make a new life for myself. I need to make some of the biggest life decisions I’ve ever had to make. I am scared and feel paralyzed with fear. I have no one to catch me if I fall. It’s up to me to decide what I must do to survive in this big, scary world. 

Where are you? I don’t want to do life by myself. I am tired. 

Love,

Me

June 2025

Dear Shawn,

I want to take a moment to thank you. Not just for the man you were, but for the incredible father you became. Though your time with us was far too short, the impact you made was deep, lasting, and loud enough to carry into the next generation. 

I see you every time I see our son. Watching him be a father is like watching a reflection of you. Gentle, present, and full of love. I am touched as he changes diapers without hesitation, teaches them right from wrong, and most of all, loves them with his whole heart. He cherishes every single moment with them, never taking time for granted. 

Maybe it’s because your loss taught us both how fragile life can be. Maybe that’s why he holds his little girls tighter and why he treasures the love of his wife, the mother of his children, with such care and respect. Just as you did with me. 

Shawn, thank you for stepping up and for being the kind of man our son could look up to. Thank you for showing him what it means to love fully, to lead with kindness, and to be the kind of father who leaves a legacy of love. 

On this Father’s Day, I honor you and thank you for everything! Until we meet again, I will continue to honor your legacy by loving deeply, and wholeheartedly, and never taking time for granted.